C.Grim.Infinite

Holy crap...really...

I'm sure, if you a true follower of my blog, that you are sick and tired of reading my rants about my mother and honestly, I'm sick and tired of having these conversations with you, but in my recent realization, there is a life lesson to learned from these trying times in your life. When is the right time to let your children go and conquer the world without them feeling guilty after every chased dream?

Whether it's a boyfriend, friends, distance, or a job, my life has become a never ending battle with my Mommy-dearest. When I left for Frostburg three years ago, I thought to myself, this is the beginning of letting go and growing up. Although it was hard, it was time and I really thought she was finally taking off the apron and I was letting go of the strings. We both realized I was becoming an adult and started to become friends, like a mother and daughter should. Oh wrong was I. Not only about my choice in schooling, but our relationship.

As a friend pointed out, since I have moved back home (it's been a year so far), our relationship has regressed back to Mommy loving and protecting daughter instead Mother and daughter talking about grown up stuff. And quite frankly, I'm ready to cut the strings again, but she isn't so ready to release the apron.

With my recent research on the lives of 20-somethings in America and my own personal situation, I do not think we are fully to blame when it comes to slowly progressing into an adult. Some parents simply can not let go and therefore 20-somethings are stuck or even using this to their advance. Why leave home when your parents are paying the bills, cleaning the house, and providing food with no added expense to you. Yes this is tempting but come on, am I the only one who wants their own?

Sure, we are currently living in a bad economy with uncertainty about jobs and the overall future, but there is something more to life rather than being sheltered by your parents and I have seen the light just by having a car. Coming home when you want, having your own guests, and the feeling of owning something that you don't have to share or compromise on. That's true freedom.

But with every step I take, I feel like I'm hurting either myself or my mother. Nothing is ever good enough for either of us. We both want distance but are uncompromising on where the line should be drawn. I wish I could say I can wake up and do anything I want, when I want, but I constantly have to think "Where is my mother going to be during all of this?" I can't move because we only have each other. I can't have an active lifestyle because she sits around and complains about it. I can't have a boyfriend because I feel guilty leaving her home alone.

How can you grow up when you are attached at the hip with the person who birthed you? You can't throw them away like a boyfriend, a friend, or even a school. How can you compromise with someone who expects the world from you when you don't even know the world for yourself? Someone who doesn't really want you to know the world at all besides for the one created in a rowhouse in Baltimore City.

It's never ending battle and to tell you the truth, it's driving me under.

I'm Not Dead!

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So, I haven't blogged in a while, even though there is a lot to blog about. I thought I would keep my sorrow to myself and confide it to my private diary instead, saving you the pity part and saving me the embarrassing moment where I slap myself and ask "Why did I put this on here?!"
But anyway, lots of things have changed since the last time I blogged. My boyfriend has suddenly disappeared yet again from my life, doing who knows what, probably something that has to do with family, while I sit and wonder. Honestly, ladies and gentlemen, I do not think you should have to speculate where your man or woman is if you are in a committed relationship which leads me to my final decision: I will not call his phone, for that matter, I have deleted the number completely. When you start loving yourself more, you realize when someone is not treating you the way they should and you act accordingly.
Which leads me to another noteworthy accomplishment; I have started doing things on my own. Sure, a lot of you probably already do this in your everyday life but for me, it has always been a chore. Because of low self esteem and the "attachment at the hip" syndrome from an earlier age to my mother, doing things by myself has always been, quite frankly, a foreign task. But out of my self pity and confinement to my lovely red bed, I had thought: stay here and cry or go outside and enjoy life.
I was watching Jessica Simpson's new television on VH1 about the price of beauty and she happened to be in Paris, France. The things that got me the most of out of the program was the determination of a sickly woman who had starved herself to the point of skin and bones to be in a fashion show and the phase that French women live by, "Joie de Vivre" or joy of life (maybe one day a tattoo...?).
Spending my life coped out in four walls with a desktop is not a life. Only going to school and working is not a life. Sleeping and eating my life away is not a life. I have failed on life and I don't want to keep failing. Since my small intervention, I have visited parks, museums, and will be attending an acting workshop today. These things may seem small or even boring to you, but to me, they have been a challenge. Walking around a city without confidence is a chore in itself. But with each day, I can say that I have been holding my head a little higher, smiling a bit brighter, and having a better outlook on life.
It's not easy losing someone you started planning your future with, especially on unresolved terms, but it does not mean there is no life after. Sometimes you need a heartbreak or a setback to find out who you really are and what you stand for.

The Lowest Point

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After everything we have been through. After miscommunication for three years. After the cuddles we shared. After the kisses we had. After all the plans and promises we made.


It comes to this. Disappearances. Screams. Tears. Pain. Regret. Loneliness. Disappointment. It comes to this. No apologies. No signs of remorse. No thoughtful words. Just good-byes and a plan to better yourself.
But what about me? About those promises you made? What about those three words you said? Did they mean nothing? Did I stand for nothing? Did you even care? Am I even that important to you? After everything, it comes to this.
We supposed to one, until the end. the thought of growing did not seem so bad when you were here. Now all I think about is the end. There is no happiness in my thoughts, no optimism in my steps. Just plain, uncompromising pain and disappointment.
When is your all enough? When is your love enough? When will the caring people show up?

I confess, I can be a little too much at times. I have constant mood swings that range from extremely hyper and outgoing to points where I like dark places and quite time. I can be happy one moment then burst into tears the next. So it's only fair to say that I can be too much. But the thing that gets me, and possibly you too, is the reminder that someone said that they will do something and then the next minute, they vanish. But that's not the saddest part of this story. The person doesn't even seem to realize it then you tell them and then come the excuses. "I was busy doing this, I was busy over there, or I scheduled things wrong." It's thought pattern that makes me so sick because it seems like you have to constantly be revolving around this person's life, like you don't have one of your own. One good trait that I have is the knowledge that I am not by myself in this world. Other people have problems and events they have to attend to. When you continue to let someone down, it wears on their heart to the point where they are preparing themselves for the let down. No one wants to feel like they are being taken advantage of by the fact that they will always be there. No one likes the feeling of not being able to count on someone when it counts the most, especially a significant other. It is Valentine's Day and instead of being happy and excited, I'm preparing for the disappointment. Sitting day and night wondering when his promise of changing is going to take affect and diminish this feeling of hopelessness. Love is a strong feeling but people fail to realize that doubt can break it down in so many ways.

I wish I could say what a year 2009 has been but honestly, there was nothing remotely amazing about it to me based on my life. The year started with me going back to Frostburg State University with my best friend, both of us dreading it the whole trip up the mountains. The only saving grace of Frostburg for the year 2009 was the fact that I could sleep in as much as I wanted to and enjoy free buffet, even if at times the food was crap. God, I miss those omelets in the morning with salsa and sour cream and those meatballs. But anyways, I ended the school year with a decent GPA and withdrew to be transferred to the University of Baltimore for the fall semester. My summer was the same as all summers: working hard, sleeping hard, and hardly playing in the streets, what a good girl I am. There were no summer flings or even small flames that were tested or rememberable hot nights, only those of which I spent tossing and turning because of lack of A/C in my bedroom. I did purchase my first car though, a Misturbi Mirage, black with four doors. But that was soon wrecked in a hit and run accident right before my vacation to Virginia Beach with the girls on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.
That August I entered the University of Baltimore with 15 credits to start working on and a new mind set. I joined two organizations, BSU and The UB Theatrical Society, with the hopes of joining more and becoming more involved with the student life of UB. But as I quickly realized, the organizations at the school were not paid any mind by the students, most of which were over the age of 25 and seeking to further their careers or complete college before entering a nursing home. Stress also started to weigh heavy on my heart with the pressures of school and work, a deadly combination if no proper scheduling was ever in your upbringing. This is also where I had the worst two dates of my life with a lame boy who talked too much and whose big lips surrounded my mouth like a suction cup, ew.
The main highlights of the ending of the year were the purchase of my second car, a grey 4 door Ford Escort, making it out of college alive, a small arrangement with a guy I never saw coming, and the return of my first true love. It was a nice way to end the year, happy and in love.
So it only has been two days into January and my heart is about to break. The news of my grandmother passing away and the broken promise of my long distance boyfriend not returning home has left an extremely big hole in my happiness supply. Having face a funeral without the prospect of him not coming home to cheer me up afterwards is down right sad. I can't focus on anything, my only blissful moment is when I'm falling into a dark sleep.
Because of my grandmother's death, I can see my family disappearing within in a year to only having my mother. Yes, this is very sad but it is the truth and I have been preparing myself for it since I witnessed my family becoming torn apart after my grandfather's death. But after going to the funeral and witnessing the coming together of the Grimes and Willis family, I have small hope, which is better than no hope. Maybe this time we can rekindle the love that we once had for each other instead of remembering and repeating the past. I am hopeful about my family, WTF?!
As far as my relationship, the distance is a long story. For so long I have waited to be in love and embrace a person who understands me and is willing to put up with all my imperfections but it seems like it is falling apart as quickly as it has started. I am starting to question it longevity and worthiness based on prior events and the here and now. Since we are just starting over our relationship back from a year ago, it is critical that we spend together time and not just by phone conversations. Yes its great that we are separate that we can appreciate each other from a distance but when just starting out a relationship, without physical contact and the reassurance of knowing that you can be with that person in person, it is bound to cause problems in the future. Also the matter of who scarifies more in the relationship is in question as well. Only time will tell where this will go even with my strong love toward him.
But the main point that I want to make this year is that I need to change the way I am living my life. I have isolated myself to the point where I don't even spend time with the people I call my best friends, so devoted to my sleep and my job that I am missing out on life and things that could potentially make me a happier person. It is not the people who are isolating me, it is myself by not having the confidence to stop thinking about what people may say about me and confidence to look myself in the mirror and say I am beautiful and point out the qualities that make me different and special instead of weird and dysfunctional. I want to give life all that I have in form of reaching for my dreams, saying what I feel, and doing what I want. Life is too short to give a fuck about what people want from you or how you should act. I need to measure myself according to my own standards and live my life according what makes me feel good. If I make mistakes, so be it but at least I was trying and taking a risk at failing.
This may sound like another one of my prep talks to myself to later be discarded because a failed attempt but these past two days have shown me that I have to be more in 2010, and not to impress other people but to finally impress myself.

These Emotions

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Sometimes it's really hard to breathe when I think about the idea of explaining my emotions to people. The majority of the people that I express them to just shut down and I end up either never talking to them again or it's an awkward feeling. Since taking up counseling for the psychology part of my major, I have had to come face to face with my emotions on a weekly basis. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it feels like torture. I'm getting to know myself and my feelings but at the same rate, it's like I'm not getting anywhere with other people. My lack of emotion pushes people and also my display. Where is the happy medium? I do not really know but like I have said for so many times, if a person is willing to listen and understand the emotions I go there, then they will get to know me.

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you see so much potential in yourself and the weird feeling you get when you look at people around you, the same age, doing so much more, or even seeing people following their passions, no matter the risk, seeming to be the happiest people in earth, that gut busting feeling like you are stuck in a situation where your life really does not equal to much besides work, school, and family commitments? Trust me, I'm not as pessimistic as I may seem, but sometimes you really have to take the time to sit and think about what is going on in your life. Are you where you want to be? Have you accomplished one of your dreams? Have you done something you are proud of? To those questions, I have to answer yes because I have come a long way from high school, but then I have to say no because I'm so far from where I want to be. I have to start question what makes me happy, what I see myself as, and am I living up to those precious ideas. Honestly, no, I'm not. I want to start taking things seriously but are the things I'm trying to take serious worth it if my heart is not in it? These for example:
  • College
  • Work

Both of those things are so important to my daily life, one provides the knowledge that I will need in the future to move up in the workforce and my job is the funding that pays the bills, generates a savings, and provides temporary highs. But those things are the things I hate most about my life. In America, they always want you to reach for the sky, but without those things, it seems nearly impossible. I'm not sitting here saying that an education and personal funding is bad, I'm saying if your heart isn't there, how can you honestly be happy? For so many years, I have been faking it, but at this time in my life, I don't want to anymore. I want to be serious about the things that I get enjoyment out of. These for example:

  • Art
  • Novels
  • Screenwriting
  • Music
  • Dancing
  • Fashion design
  • Production
  • Generally, entrepreneurship

If I were to get serious about those things, I would have something on the side lines from typical life to look to doing, but without those, I honestly think life is not worth living. But along with those things, confidence is also needed, I guess that's where my weight loss issue comes into play. "She's cute for a fat girl" just keeps playing in my mind over and over, why can't I just be cute?! Why can't I stop telling myself that I'm fat either? UGH. I need to self evaluate for the hundredth time. Maybe one day, things will be clear. Wish me luck. XOXO

So I have been reading up on healthy topics and with the instruction of my doctor, I have decided to try to get in eight glasses of water today. This is going to be hard for someone who just carries one water bottle around and is usualy still full by the end of the day. But since our bodies are mostly made of water and it would benefit me in some many ways, why not try to take a simple step in the right direction. I may not be able to competely cut back on my calories and "bad" foods but I can try to add more water to my daliy intake. We'll see how this goes!

Hm..yea..

The daily mind farts of Crista Ramone from random articles on the web to everyday episodes of torment in Baltimore City. This is life uncensored, uncaring (maybe just a little bit), and unapologetic. You ready?



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