C.Grim.Infinite

My heart is beating so fast right now. My air flow to my brain is becoming more labored. And my sense of sanity is slowly dying. I am the most confused I have ever been in a while and it's not even about myself, it's about the people I hang around. But something that I have noticed is that the reason why I care so much and get so upset is because I care too much. I see these things happening to people and people allowing it to happen to them and I get mad. Why am I getting mad? It's their situation and last time I checked, I wasn't involved. If they want to fuck up their lives living in a fantasy world, then so be it. First of all, the world is not going to give you happiness on a silver plate for you to eat and relish. You have to work hard for the things you want and the dreams you want to obtain. "Oh I will try again." In the real world, there might not be a try again button or do-over because you get one shoot to prove yourself. I seriously am disgusted by people who can't see that reality. Just because your friends or parents are telling you it's okay, they are not the ones who are going to be paying you, the ones who are going to make your dreams come true, or the ones hiring you. They are going to give support, as half assed as it is, to keep you pushing. But when that pushing becomes unrealistic and to the point of babying, you are never EVER going to make it. If your friends can not tell you the truth, then I feel as though they are not your friends. A true friend will let you know when you are fucking up because they want the ultimate best for you, not some lame ass excuse for an existance. Which brings me to my next point, if your friend is telling you something and you can see that it's the truth, don't you think maybe it is..? Why would you go and do the oppoiste so the person that is hurting you can hurt you again and again and you keep taking that "Oh I'm sorry, I'm mad or I'm sorry, I had to take time for my feelings." WHAT ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS?! Have you ever thought about that. Yes you have when you were telling me you are over it. Then be over it. You are never going to get respect if you keep allowing a person to hurt you. Because you know what, they will think "oh well she has let me slide, so I can do it again." And they will continue to do so. There is a difference because forgiving and allowing a person to see that you are hurt and wont allow that anymore then forgiving them and allowing them to do the same thing. Thats not love. That is an excuse so you will not be alone. And every night you will sit there trying to convince yourself that you are happy because you have someone. But do you really have them or is the person just an existance in your life until something better comes along? Is if the answer to the second question is yes, then you have your answer whether that person should stay in your life or not. Since when do we give up on love and accept people who continously hurt us then says sorry and call it love? Love is unshielding. Love is overpowering. Love is compromise. Love is undefined. Love is the willingness to put someone else over you. Love is supporting each other when times are rough. Love is being truthful whether it will hurt someone or not. Love is not one-sided. If we all believe in love then why are we allowing non-love to walk all over us? It hurts so much to see this that I'm crying and again I ask myself, why do I care so much? Because I see all the potential and goodness wasted on someone who doesn't deserve it. Someone who could care less and only when they feel like it. I'm so upset because she deserves so much more then this. She is giving and kind and gentle. She will give you her heart in a minute and to allow someone like that fucking jackass to touch it all in the name of not being alone FUCKING ANNOYS ME!

*sigh*

I just want people to be happy and stop making excuses because they are worth so much more. And they will get much more when they see that even if the issue is small, it can pontentially lead to something that can destroy you. I myself also have to stop making excuses and it comes with baby steps and for those people, admitting the problem is the first step.

I hate when people ask me what exactly I want to do with life. I do not really have a plan for anything in my life. I have a generalization that only makes sense to me at the end of the day. When it comes to academics, sure, I want to major in Business Administration but as far as a concentration, I doubt I will ever just do one thing. I like Management. I like Marketing. I like International Business. I like Entrepreneurship. I also like Human Resource Management. When it comes to things I would like to do, there are many options. I like writing. I like fine arts. I like humanity acts. I like the idea of owning my own business. I like the idea of making dresses. But I know I can not do all of those things at once. I do not really have a plan, just a lot of ideas in my mind. I am a very general person which I am starting to realize. It's not like nothing satisfies me, but I feel as though there should be more, I should be doing more, or there should more to life than one thing. This could explain the way I was in high school. The overwhelming feeling of trying to fit in somewhere, find an identity in something instead of a general idea. A little part of me loved who I was back when I was 15 and 16 even though those were not my best hours. At least I stood for something. I was one thing. I had an identity. But now, my identity has changed but the question is to what and who? Who is Crista? I can not honestly tell you without making a list. I am not one thing and I never will be happy with being one thing. May seem unrealistic, but why lie to myself? All I know is that I have these ideas and generalizations of what life is supposed to be. It is better than having nothing in my opinion. Now if it could generate some income, then we would be in business. But life isn't over, is it?

That gives me some hope..