C.Grim.Infinite

Holy crap...really...

These Emotions

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Sometimes it's really hard to breathe when I think about the idea of explaining my emotions to people. The majority of the people that I express them to just shut down and I end up either never talking to them again or it's an awkward feeling. Since taking up counseling for the psychology part of my major, I have had to come face to face with my emotions on a weekly basis. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it feels like torture. I'm getting to know myself and my feelings but at the same rate, it's like I'm not getting anywhere with other people. My lack of emotion pushes people and also my display. Where is the happy medium? I do not really know but like I have said for so many times, if a person is willing to listen and understand the emotions I go there, then they will get to know me.

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you see so much potential in yourself and the weird feeling you get when you look at people around you, the same age, doing so much more, or even seeing people following their passions, no matter the risk, seeming to be the happiest people in earth, that gut busting feeling like you are stuck in a situation where your life really does not equal to much besides work, school, and family commitments? Trust me, I'm not as pessimistic as I may seem, but sometimes you really have to take the time to sit and think about what is going on in your life. Are you where you want to be? Have you accomplished one of your dreams? Have you done something you are proud of? To those questions, I have to answer yes because I have come a long way from high school, but then I have to say no because I'm so far from where I want to be. I have to start question what makes me happy, what I see myself as, and am I living up to those precious ideas. Honestly, no, I'm not. I want to start taking things seriously but are the things I'm trying to take serious worth it if my heart is not in it? These for example:
  • College
  • Work

Both of those things are so important to my daily life, one provides the knowledge that I will need in the future to move up in the workforce and my job is the funding that pays the bills, generates a savings, and provides temporary highs. But those things are the things I hate most about my life. In America, they always want you to reach for the sky, but without those things, it seems nearly impossible. I'm not sitting here saying that an education and personal funding is bad, I'm saying if your heart isn't there, how can you honestly be happy? For so many years, I have been faking it, but at this time in my life, I don't want to anymore. I want to be serious about the things that I get enjoyment out of. These for example:

  • Art
  • Novels
  • Screenwriting
  • Music
  • Dancing
  • Fashion design
  • Production
  • Generally, entrepreneurship

If I were to get serious about those things, I would have something on the side lines from typical life to look to doing, but without those, I honestly think life is not worth living. But along with those things, confidence is also needed, I guess that's where my weight loss issue comes into play. "She's cute for a fat girl" just keeps playing in my mind over and over, why can't I just be cute?! Why can't I stop telling myself that I'm fat either? UGH. I need to self evaluate for the hundredth time. Maybe one day, things will be clear. Wish me luck. XOXO

So I have been reading up on healthy topics and with the instruction of my doctor, I have decided to try to get in eight glasses of water today. This is going to be hard for someone who just carries one water bottle around and is usualy still full by the end of the day. But since our bodies are mostly made of water and it would benefit me in some many ways, why not try to take a simple step in the right direction. I may not be able to competely cut back on my calories and "bad" foods but I can try to add more water to my daliy intake. We'll see how this goes!

Realization

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Okay, last post was fueled by anger but I realized something after I wrote it. I always sit here and complain about people aren't taking the time to get to understand me but, when I look back at it, I do the same thing. Naturally as humans, we look for the traits that we lack in other people because our family and friends are supposed to be bettering you. But I want to better myself. I do not want to be childish anymore and think that people will instantly tell me how they feel, what they want me to understand, and how I should approach them. I have to take it upon myself to sit down, ask questions, and to understand. I only do that with two people in my life, which is my mother and my best friend. It takes a lot to get information out of them, but at the end of the day, I feel closer to them than ever. I wish I could get do that with my other friends and people around me in general. I know I'm better than what I am presenting to the world, I honestly want to change for the better. Whether that be my health, my weight, my outlook, or plainly, my presence. In order for people to get me, I have to get people.

Sheltered...

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I find it funny when people describe people that they loath or cannot be around but I find it equally as hilarious when people think that a single person is supposed to have all the qualities, personalities, and interests of everything, everyone, and every possible habit in the world. I look at people wondering, if I were all of the things that you want me to be, would it be good enough? My character has become in question, even by some of my closest friends. Sheltered is one that bugs me the most. I have never really understood why that has become such a problem. My family has been through struggles, maybe not to your standards or experiences of yours, but have been through some. It is my fault that my mother wanted to take me out of the ghetto and show me a new world. Growing up, she had nothing but a farm and a 2 bedroom house for 5 people. When she left Virginia, she wanted a better way of life. Does that mean she is sheltered? I didn't go to private school or have money for the finest things in life, like I have seen some "sheltered" black kids have (the white friends, private school, living in the county, and do not know what real work is) . What I have now, I worked hard for just like the rest of America. But I am still sheltered? What do I have to be not to be sheltered? What view on life do I have to be to please you? Am I supposed to talk in slang? Am I supposed to have a story of growing up in the ghetto? Are members of my family supposed to have been in jail? Do all of my friends have to be black? Compared to the way I was back in the beginning of high school, ignorant based on my mother's beliefs of black people and thinking they are all out to get me, I think I have come a long way. I try to understand people the best way I can but I cannot if you are consistently bashing the way I was brought up or consistently saying I will never understand. I can not understand something in less you explain. I can not learn if you do not teach me. I am the type of person who learns from experience and the experiences of the people around me but if you are so hell bent in leaving me in a stereotype, which is sheltered, I will never understand or learn. It makes me angry when people think they are better than me because they have been through more or seen more. If anything, you should be out in the world helping me to understand what you have been through instead of judging me because I have not been through the same things you have. I do not sit around and get mad at people who have not been through the same struggles I have had in the past nor do I want pity for it. But yet when I bring up some struggles I have had, they are being compared to someone else's story. Each struggle is different and hurts on different levels. How can you sit there and think you are worst off in life because you have been through more. It sickens me. If anything you should be rejoicing that you made it.
We, as a black community, will never get anywhere if we continue to bash our own people. All people, even white, Indian, Asian, African, are different from the culture that they were brought up in. If every person were to stay true only to their race and only care about what is going in their race, the world would not to be in unity, (even though sometimes it's not, but it's better than nothing!). If you are sitting around expecting every black person of the African-American race to live the same, think the same, and the support the same values, you are a dumb ass. You are ignorant and you aren't going to get in anywhere in life because you are so stuck up Afro Pride's ass that you are too blind to see that there are other people in this world who are not Black! Yes, I believe there should be unity between us black people because at the end of the day, we need each other to survive and yes, the white man did keep us down in the past but you have to start pulling the black card and work hard for yourself. Of course, there still be racial tension but if you sit around trying to talk about it all day and not get anything accomplished, where are you going to go? There are successful black people in America who did it the right way, working hard and staying true to themselves and not getting caught up in the black race thinking that the white man is going to keep them down, but pushed the limits. The only people that care about us are us! But you guys are so busy bashing out other black people who have different qualities or interests than your self-righteous, egoistic, "I'm so black and proud" bias ways. Look in the mirror for once. Try picking our your own flaws. Try looking after yourself and start loving yourself because you start calling me out. There is a reason why I am different from you, because I'm not you.
I just wonder, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to be like? How do you want me to sound? How do you want me to think? How am I supposed to live my life? And how do I stop you from judging me?

Controls

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"The best way to navigate through life is give up all of our controls."


Life has been getting pretty routine lately. And it's not just in one thing. It's a lot of things that just leaves me thinking, "Why have I already seen this coming...?" I guess in some many words, I want something to change, something that is different, exciting, keeps my attention, and overwhelming scaring so I can change. I want to be placed in a setting where there is only me, to see how I would react, in public or in private. This is why I'm so excited for the fall because it's a new school, new people, and a new environment.




The University of Baltimore is located in my favorite neighborhood, the Cultural District, just blocks away from little shops, coffee houses, museums, and my favorite library, Enoch Pratt Central Library on Cathedral Street. I don't know exactly why I am so fascinated with this area, but for some reason, it calls to me. Another exciting thing about my school is that it is partnered with MICA, Maryland Institute College of Art. Since I was in Elementary School, I wanted to go there but was detoured by practical reasons. But the opportunity for me to go there is possible through my degree program. The ability to do something practical and adventurous suits me and if I could attend both schools, I would be so happy and blessed.




Another thing that I want to do is volunteer throughout that community at organizations, art galleries, theatre houses, the zoo, and other places. It gives me a chance to pay it forward and get involved in hobbies that I love. And doing these things alone could help me come out of my "shy" shell. I need to learn how to communicate with people instead of sitting around for someone to talk to me.




But I guess ultimately, the main reason why I started thinking about these things because I feel like everyone is drifting away. I want that close knit friendships I used to have with people instead of just having small talk about another person or a key-key at the world. I miss those serious conversations and midnight talks I used to have with my friends. I miss the togetherness and acceptance, but most of the closeness. I want to be taken serious and loved by my friends but for 2 years now, it seems like I'm not being taken serious or I have to do something in order for people to listen. I guess I just want people to believe in me like I believe in them. I push people because I know what they want out of life. They tell me these things themselves. I am their biggest supporter but they often confused it with judgement or bashing. Each person I know, I see the potential and I get mad when I see it being lost, sometimes because of things they can't control or things they can, forgive me is that is being rude. I know, personally, if a person saw potential in me, I would want them to tell me, push in a direction even if it's not my passion, the thought of them caring enough to tell me is a the greatest gift you give someone.




I'm so ready to give, understand, love, and grow. Right now, I have to start alone but I hope one day, I will have a person or people to share my happiness with.




p.s. right now, that person is my mother, my rock even though we are total opposites and are at each other's throats 80% of the time, I love and appreciate her more and more each day. <3


R.I.P. Michael Jackson (August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009)

Such an influence on American culture, the way we dance, sing, and act. The many impressions you did as a child watching his videos. In the good and bad times in his life. His songs made you cry, laugh, smile, and feel like you are not alone. I was not the biggest fan as I know one of my friends were, but his death has affected me. Like a void that will never be fulled ever again. Like music has died along with him. Our living legend is gone and it's totally a state of shock for people all over the world. There was no one before him like him and there is no one like him after him. Everything that you know about music today is Michael Jackson. There are not enough words to express how I feel about Michael Jackson besides that I have always loved him and always will love him. We can only hope that he is in the happy place in the sky with all the rest of best singers, actors, and influential people our time period on this Earth. It has also shown America that celebrities, even thought it may not seem like it, are human too and therefore can die. I just hope people and the media will respect the Jackson family in this time of mourning and respect Michael Jackson for who he was instead of what people claimed he to be. Respect for his work and allow him to live those that good things that he did for your life.

There will never be another Michael Jackson, music is dead....

(sorry for the long title)


As I take more and more little baby steps toward my independence in the world, the world, or maybe just no person, is holding me back in some shape or form. I recently purchased a car that I am very proud indeed. I love driving it, being in it, seeing it because it reminds me that I am growing up and my money isn't just going toward clothes and food. It's something that I have wanted for a long time but had no money to purchase or the the license to drive it. But now that I have accomplished this goal, I feel more independent, allowing myself to think that I have grown up. But like most things when I take a few steps forward, something is pushing me back. You already know and love her, it's my mom. She is a wonderful parent. She worked long hours and walked countless miles for me when I was growing up. Finding worthy babysitters to take care of me and got rid of people she thought would be destructive to my up being. She is determined and kind but her major flaw is her controlling nature. If something is not in her favor, she either disappears or tries to control the situation placing threats or unnecessary comments to bring you down. And of course, she is always the vitcim because she scarified so much for me to be. And her job is paying for my tuition and she is keeping a floor over my head. Yes, I am blessed and yes, I thank her everyday but does not justify the way I feel about her? Because she has done all these things, am I supposed to sit back and take a tongue lashing and threats constantly everyday. I think not. Her latest threat is to take away insurance. She is not paying insurance, I am, it just is in her name. But since it is in her name, she feels she has the liberties to change whenever she wants and however she pleases. Again, let me point out, I am paying the car note and the insurance, all she is doing is giving me her insurance card. And you want to know why she is cancelling it. Because I did not get home at 11 p.m. 11 p.m. in the summer?! 11 p.m. isn't even the curfew for people 2 years younger than who have their provisional. And here I am, about to turn 20, and have to be in the house by 11. Am I just crazy? I don't know what to think anymore besides that she is scared. Scared of losing me, scared of being alone because I am her only child. Scared that I am actually growing up and don't need her as much as I did when I was a child. But the more she keeps restricting, the more she is going to push me away to the point where there is no connection between, which I would never want.


It's time for her to let go, it's time to grow up.

Sometimes I think it’s an honest question. When I was younger, going to the movies with my mother was the most interesting adventure because we could not afford the adventures on television and quite frankly, I did not enjoy my trip to Disneyworld when I was older. But that’s besides the point. We have the movies. An adventure. The excitement. The popcorn. And don’t forget about the previews, which are the best part You are probably thinking that I am going to go on and on about the movie experience but I’m not. When you were a kid, girls in particular, there was nothing like a Disney movie. Whether it was a Disney classic or a Pixar newbie, we have all been exposed to “happily ever after”. As you tugged on your mother coat tail begging to see the movie again, you did not know that simple phase was encoded into your mind to be later processed when you get older. I am 19 going on 20 years old now and I’m starting to believe mine is kicking in as we speak. After failed success in friendships, career thinking, and money handling, the one thing that has always made me smile was the thought of being in love and sharing my life with that person. Brained washed much? You see my “happily ever after” is probably like many girls, even boys, women, men, but it can be hidden in life’s many temporary highs, including sex, money, and friendship. At some point in my life, I had all the above. I had the sex. I had the friendship. I had the money. But at night, I was by myself looking at a ceiling and thinking, “Why do I still feel so empty?” It’s because of the phrase. I want to live “happily ever after”.

And that’s why I started crying after watching Stardust a few hours ago. The storyline is quite cute even though it was completely false. The main male character, Tristan, was chasing after a girl that in like modern times, was looking for a mate that well endowed with money. Tristan, being a shop boy, didn’t have money so in order to win her love, he made a promise to capture a fallen star, cleverly falling at the exact moment the king of Stormhold died and his sons had to find a ruby in order to be king. But the star was just a piece of a rock, but a girl named Yvaine. Tristan’s father gives him a present from his mother, who is absent, which holds a magical candle which when lit will take you to any place you think of, taking Tristan to the star where he finds the girl. So after finding “the star”, they set off on the journey to take Yvaine back to his false love promising Yvaine that she can return back to her home in the sky with the last of the magical candle. But along the way, the two face trouble with a group of witches bent on eating Yvaine’s heart for immortality and youth and the band of brothers bent on becoming king. In the end, the band of brothers die, some at their own doing because if there is only one brother left, he becomes king, and the group of witches die because of course, they’re evil and they have to. But in the killing the last witch, the love that Yvaine had for Tristan allowed her to glow so bright, that it made the witch explode, because that’s what stars do, they glow (a little phrase they caught saying throughout the movie). And come to find out that Tristan’s mother was the only daughter of the Stormhold kingdom making Tristan it’s sole heir and him being king with a star as his bride. Also he one-upping the bitch who he was originally chasing before all the killing started lol. At the end of the movie, his mother gives him and his bride one magical candle for their wedding gift and used it when their grandchildren got older and went back to the sky to live “happily ever after” together. Now you would think that at the end of the story, I would be smiling and laughing but I was crying.

At first I was confused but then like lighting, it hit me, that’s what I want. Because “happily ever after” is not about sex, money, or the amount of friends you have, but about sharing your life with someone who gets you more than you get yourself. Someone willing to be there will things are rough and still wanting to be with you. Someone you can laugh with or even die with and say “My life is worth so much more with you”. And that’s why I was crying because I do not have that. That external feeling, sometimes madly and painful thing we call love. Some many times in today’s world, the word love is sugar coated or misused to describe temporary highs or momentary satisfaction of a person or object. But that is not love. And that’s why my life is so sad. You may think I am crazy for basing so much of life on a silly phrase and concept but that is who I am. I willing and fully accept that the #1 thing to make me happy is love and a family.

Now if you could turn that into a career, I would not mind working or going to school all for the meaning and being in love.

Denial

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My heart is beating so fast right now. My air flow to my brain is becoming more labored. And my sense of sanity is slowly dying. I am the most confused I have ever been in a while and it's not even about myself, it's about the people I hang around. But something that I have noticed is that the reason why I care so much and get so upset is because I care too much. I see these things happening to people and people allowing it to happen to them and I get mad. Why am I getting mad? It's their situation and last time I checked, I wasn't involved. If they want to fuck up their lives living in a fantasy world, then so be it. First of all, the world is not going to give you happiness on a silver plate for you to eat and relish. You have to work hard for the things you want and the dreams you want to obtain. "Oh I will try again." In the real world, there might not be a try again button or do-over because you get one shoot to prove yourself. I seriously am disgusted by people who can't see that reality. Just because your friends or parents are telling you it's okay, they are not the ones who are going to be paying you, the ones who are going to make your dreams come true, or the ones hiring you. They are going to give support, as half assed as it is, to keep you pushing. But when that pushing becomes unrealistic and to the point of babying, you are never EVER going to make it. If your friends can not tell you the truth, then I feel as though they are not your friends. A true friend will let you know when you are fucking up because they want the ultimate best for you, not some lame ass excuse for an existance. Which brings me to my next point, if your friend is telling you something and you can see that it's the truth, don't you think maybe it is..? Why would you go and do the oppoiste so the person that is hurting you can hurt you again and again and you keep taking that "Oh I'm sorry, I'm mad or I'm sorry, I had to take time for my feelings." WHAT ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS?! Have you ever thought about that. Yes you have when you were telling me you are over it. Then be over it. You are never going to get respect if you keep allowing a person to hurt you. Because you know what, they will think "oh well she has let me slide, so I can do it again." And they will continue to do so. There is a difference because forgiving and allowing a person to see that you are hurt and wont allow that anymore then forgiving them and allowing them to do the same thing. Thats not love. That is an excuse so you will not be alone. And every night you will sit there trying to convince yourself that you are happy because you have someone. But do you really have them or is the person just an existance in your life until something better comes along? Is if the answer to the second question is yes, then you have your answer whether that person should stay in your life or not. Since when do we give up on love and accept people who continously hurt us then says sorry and call it love? Love is unshielding. Love is overpowering. Love is compromise. Love is undefined. Love is the willingness to put someone else over you. Love is supporting each other when times are rough. Love is being truthful whether it will hurt someone or not. Love is not one-sided. If we all believe in love then why are we allowing non-love to walk all over us? It hurts so much to see this that I'm crying and again I ask myself, why do I care so much? Because I see all the potential and goodness wasted on someone who doesn't deserve it. Someone who could care less and only when they feel like it. I'm so upset because she deserves so much more then this. She is giving and kind and gentle. She will give you her heart in a minute and to allow someone like that fucking jackass to touch it all in the name of not being alone FUCKING ANNOYS ME!

*sigh*

I just want people to be happy and stop making excuses because they are worth so much more. And they will get much more when they see that even if the issue is small, it can pontentially lead to something that can destroy you. I myself also have to stop making excuses and it comes with baby steps and for those people, admitting the problem is the first step.

In Dr. Laura Schlessinger's "self-help" book, Then Stupid Things Women do to Mess up Their Lives, she discusses daily things that all women do that are potentially harmful to our self-respect. Things such placing all our dreams and admiration in the male species, complaining when things haven't gone our way, and the ultimate excuse of for everything, blaming it on someone else. When we take away the times when guys did us wrong, the amount of people we slept with, and the other feminine qualities of our lives, it's funny how we don't have anything to talk about. I sometimes wonder as I sit around a group of females what their goals are in life, what do they want out of life. Most say a marriage, which is understandable because at a certain age in my life, I want to have a family of my own but is that their and also my only existence? Have I become some walking/talking ovulation waiting for a "great" guy to impregnate me? I defiantly do not want to be only defined as that. But the real problem for me and other girls of my generation is that we have lost sight of what is really important at the end of the day, ourselves. No one can tell us what will make us happy in life besides us. No person can walk in your life and completely change you. Sure, that person may make you happy for a while but soon it will become a competition between you and their wants and desires because you don't have any of your own. In order to change and stop making excuses is to face the truth of the situation: you are being lazy and you are not committing yourself to anything. If we spent so much time doing things instead of analyzing situations tenfold, we would not be complaining about where we are today. And that's one thing about men that is different from women. Men, when they see something they want, go for it. Women, when faced with the same situation, talk it over with her friends or herself before making a move, which may lead to it disappearing. For example, when I loved someone a year ago, I told them that I was not the one for them and constantly always brought up his ex-girlfriend because of my own insecurities about the "relationship". Guess where he went? Back to his ex-girlfriend! (even though they are not together yet again for the same damn reason they broke up the first 3 times, ha ha but anyways) In me telling him that I was not the one, even though I knew in my heart I wanted to be and I loved him, it made him believe that I do not care about him the way it seemed to be and since his ex-girlfriend was pursuing him, why not go back to her since I was not the right one for him. Another example, everyone always tells me I have the tremendous potential to do certain things with my life: an artist, a counselor, and a voice over (don't know why that keeps coming up...), but instead of busting my arse and trying to accomplish the things I love, I procrastinate and why do I procrastinate? Because I fear rejection. I fear the truth of the situation. I fear disapproval. And that's whats holding me and others back. Instead of lying to others or yourself, be truthful. If you can't do a task, you can't do it. If you are afraid, you are afraid. If your work looks like crap, it probably is crap. If he appears to be a loser and trifle, then probably he is. Sure the truth hurts but at least it's not same excuse or a lie to make you or others feel better. It's better to see and realize the truth before it becomes too late and you are stuck in a situation you can't get out of. The truth will go on longer than a lie ever would and who wants to get lied to? Like the truth, life is hard and in order for us to survive, you must go through the pain to get to the pleasure. Life isn't a fairy tale where your dreams and desires fall on your lap. You have to work harder for what you want and the respect that you deserve. This book has definitely opened my eyes to my own flaws and I think it could do the same for you.

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I hate when people ask me what exactly I want to do with life. I do not really have a plan for anything in my life. I have a generalization that only makes sense to me at the end of the day. When it comes to academics, sure, I want to major in Business Administration but as far as a concentration, I doubt I will ever just do one thing. I like Management. I like Marketing. I like International Business. I like Entrepreneurship. I also like Human Resource Management. When it comes to things I would like to do, there are many options. I like writing. I like fine arts. I like humanity acts. I like the idea of owning my own business. I like the idea of making dresses. But I know I can not do all of those things at once. I do not really have a plan, just a lot of ideas in my mind. I am a very general person which I am starting to realize. It's not like nothing satisfies me, but I feel as though there should be more, I should be doing more, or there should more to life than one thing. This could explain the way I was in high school. The overwhelming feeling of trying to fit in somewhere, find an identity in something instead of a general idea. A little part of me loved who I was back when I was 15 and 16 even though those were not my best hours. At least I stood for something. I was one thing. I had an identity. But now, my identity has changed but the question is to what and who? Who is Crista? I can not honestly tell you without making a list. I am not one thing and I never will be happy with being one thing. May seem unrealistic, but why lie to myself? All I know is that I have these ideas and generalizations of what life is supposed to be. It is better than having nothing in my opinion. Now if it could generate some income, then we would be in business. But life isn't over, is it?
That gives me some hope..
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Wow, that was a true back stabber right there. No matter how trusting you are, there will always be someone who will screw you over in the long run. But it is a game, so can we really be mad at her? A little part of you inside would have done the same thing because you're human.

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"God, how many of us live in this city because we don't want to hurt our mothers and live in mortal terror of their disapproval. We lose ourselves here. Our lives aren't furtive, just our feelings toward people like you are! A city of fugitives from our parents' scorn or heartbreak."



-Andre's Mother by Terrence McNally

Guilty as Charged

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Okay Mr. Judge, let me plead my case to the world. I'm a bitch in the morning when I haven't had enough sleep, drool on my pillow from the stupid dream I'm waking up from. I'm not the cleanest person stepping into my shoes as I get out of bed and a pair of jeans hanging off my bed post. I hate poppy music in the morning in less it's from my own choice because the vibrations make me irritated. I rather not go to school because I'm not learning anything, it's all about memorization. Every person I see in the morning, I have evil thoughts of killing them because they seem too happy at such an early hour. I'm not the nicest person to get along with because I'm either disconnected and don't give a fuck or I care too much. I have insecurities and tendencies that draw people away from me because they are not brave enough to understand. I dance around in my underwear when I'm feeling pretty and plaster makeup and perfume on my body because I feel the need. I stare at myself in the mirror way too long when I like what I see, sick little part of me thinks I'm that bitch. I like seeing certain people fail because their heads are too high in the clouds or stuck up someone's arse. My soul smiles when the rich go to jail for being greedy and when the underdog wins. My greatest fear is being alone in a room full of people I know but no one says hello. I've been struggling with weight for 5 years now and I'm still fat saying fuck it. I start things and never finish them because I fail at something in the process or someone rejected it. I give up easily because I don't see the point of making a fool out of myself, or am I the only one that thinks that. My breath isn't the most lovely in the morning and I don't always smell the best. I can't fit a size 8 because I love Krispy Kreme. I get mad easily when no one seems to care or when I think they don't. I like sitting in the rain because it gives me a numb feeling reminding me that I am alive.And yes, I'm not the best at relationships because I always think something is wrong, always the over achiever and never the winner. Thinking too much is the problem but I can't seem to stop thinking. So Mr. Judge, over and over again, I am gulity as charged.

Wow, Youtubing

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Well well well, I have a youtube account
Displays some random days in my life
Shared with some loved ones
You should check it out
Subscribe and Rate <3

What It Takes

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Doing whatever it takes is the only option. And for the first time in my life, I feel like this is my only chance to actually make something of myself instead of just sitting around and looking "cute". The quiet chick. The socially awkward chick. The serious chick. Sure these things are me but I want to be more. I want to be extra. Give it my all instead of 50% all the time. I need to be my own inspiration and stop waiting for people to rescue me. Like Mr. Bruce said today, no one is sitting around saying they are going to make my life better. I wanna be an author yet I'm not writing anything toward it. I wanna a degree in Business yet I'm still sitting doing random things and not my school work. Just like high school. And where did that take me, to a school which I don't even like. But life is not over and I'm not going to sit here and complain every chance that I get. I just have to do my research and my homework and background information to become the best I can be. It's the only way possible. And understand that it takes time. Nothing happens over night and coming from where I come from, which is the bottom, it's going to take blood and sweat to get to the top. And I'm going to do what it takes.

My Muse

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For the longest time, I was always wondered what I wanted to do in life. In starting school, your teacher always expected answers from you even though you knew nothing of the subject. Case and point, I aspired to be a doctor. Now at the age of 20, I faint at the sight of blood, my work ethnics are not the best for my second year in college, and hospitals period bores me beyond belief. I had no idea what I wanted to do in high school, being caught up in alternative rock, pop artists and a growing obsession of graphic images called Anime. All I had to work with was my love of music and art. Not much has changed but the years passing by and the growing need to grow up in society and stop playing games. So I have sat down and compiled a list of hopeful and somewhat practical goals that I want to accomplish in 10 years time. The ultimate goal for my life, a really clique one at that, is to raise a family with a loving husband while doing a job that I love and am good at. But the issue is finding that job. Incorporating the love of music and art with compassion for people. Hm. Difficult. So after some soul searching, I have come up with a list: a real estate agent or broker, a guidance counselor, event planner, voice over artist, cartoonist, or a writer. Most of these jobs can not provide a stable living which I'm looking for but I have the most passion for these things. That is why I decided, FINALLY, that I would want to do these things on the side with a practical career such as real estate. Real estate seems to be the answer because I watch HGTV all day and having fun helping people find what they love whether it be a house or a certain subject. So after some years of false hopes and dreams, I have found something to look forward, my future. And starting today, I'm going to work on my writing while in college to start me off. Wish me luck.

Hm..yea..

The daily mind farts of Crista Ramone from random articles on the web to everyday episodes of torment in Baltimore City. This is life uncensored, uncaring (maybe just a little bit), and unapologetic. You ready?



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