So, I haven't blogged in a while, even though there is a lot to blog about. I thought I would keep my sorrow to myself and confide it to my private diary instead, saving you the pity part and saving me the embarrassing moment where I slap myself and ask "Why did I put this on here?!"
But anyway, lots of things have changed since the last time I blogged. My boyfriend has suddenly disappeared yet again from my life, doing who knows what, probably something that has to do with family, while I sit and wonder. Honestly, ladies and gentlemen, I do not think you should have to speculate where your man or woman is if you are in a committed relationship which leads me to my final decision: I will not call his phone, for that matter, I have deleted the number completely. When you start loving yourself more, you realize when someone is not treating you the way they should and you act accordingly.
Which leads me to another noteworthy accomplishment; I have started doing things on my own. Sure, a lot of you probably already do this in your everyday life but for me, it has always been a chore. Because of low self esteem and the "attachment at the hip" syndrome from an earlier age to my mother, doing things by myself has always been, quite frankly, a foreign task. But out of my self pity and confinement to my lovely red bed, I had thought: stay here and cry or go outside and enjoy life.
I was watching Jessica Simpson's new television on VH1 about the price of beauty and she happened to be in Paris, France. The things that got me the most of out of the program was the determination of a sickly woman who had starved herself to the point of skin and bones to be in a fashion show and the phase that French women live by, "Joie de Vivre" or joy of life (maybe one day a tattoo...?).
Spending my life coped out in four walls with a desktop is not a life. Only going to school and working is not a life. Sleeping and eating my life away is not a life. I have failed on life and I don't want to keep failing. Since my small intervention, I have visited parks, museums, and will be attending an acting workshop today. These things may seem small or even boring to you, but to me, they have been a challenge. Walking around a city without confidence is a chore in itself. But with each day, I can say that I have been holding my head a little higher, smiling a bit brighter, and having a better outlook on life.
It's not easy losing someone you started planning your future with, especially on unresolved terms, but it does not mean there is no life after. Sometimes you need a heartbreak or a setback to find out who you really are and what you stand for.
