C.Grim.Infinite

(sorry for the long title)

As I take more and more little baby steps toward my independence in the world, the world, or maybe just no person, is holding me back in some shape or form. I recently purchased a car that I am very proud indeed. I love driving it, being in it, seeing it because it reminds me that I am growing up and my money isn't just going toward clothes and food. It's something that I have wanted for a long time but had no money to purchase or the the license to drive it. But now that I have accomplished this goal, I feel more independent, allowing myself to think that I have grown up. But like most things when I take a few steps forward, something is pushing me back. You already know and love her, it's my mom. She is a wonderful parent. She worked long hours and walked countless miles for me when I was growing up. Finding worthy babysitters to take care of me and got rid of people she thought would be destructive to my up being. She is determined and kind but her major flaw is her controlling nature. If something is not in her favor, she either disappears or tries to control the situation placing threats or unnecessary comments to bring you down. And of course, she is always the vitcim because she scarified so much for me to be. And her job is paying for my tuition and she is keeping a floor over my head. Yes, I am blessed and yes, I thank her everyday but does not justify the way I feel about her? Because she has done all these things, am I supposed to sit back and take a tongue lashing and threats constantly everyday. I think not. Her latest threat is to take away insurance. She is not paying insurance, I am, it just is in her name. But since it is in her name, she feels she has the liberties to change whenever she wants and however she pleases. Again, let me point out, I am paying the car note and the insurance, all she is doing is giving me her insurance card. And you want to know why she is cancelling it. Because I did not get home at 11 p.m. 11 p.m. in the summer?! 11 p.m. isn't even the curfew for people 2 years younger than who have their provisional. And here I am, about to turn 20, and have to be in the house by 11. Am I just crazy? I don't know what to think anymore besides that she is scared. Scared of losing me, scared of being alone because I am her only child. Scared that I am actually growing up and don't need her as much as I did when I was a child. But the more she keeps restricting, the more she is going to push me away to the point where there is no connection between, which I would never want.

It's time for her to let go, it's time to grow up.

Sometimes I think it’s an honest question. When I was younger, going to the movies with my mother was the most interesting adventure because we could not afford the adventures on television and quite frankly, I did not enjoy my trip to Disneyworld when I was older. But that’s besides the point. We have the movies. An adventure. The excitement. The popcorn. And don’t forget about the previews, which are the best part You are probably thinking that I am going to go on and on about the movie experience but I’m not. When you were a kid, girls in particular, there was nothing like a Disney movie. Whether it was a Disney classic or a Pixar newbie, we have all been exposed to “happily ever after”. As you tugged on your mother coat tail begging to see the movie again, you did not know that simple phase was encoded into your mind to be later processed when you get older. I am 19 going on 20 years old now and I’m starting to believe mine is kicking in as we speak. After failed success in friendships, career thinking, and money handling, the one thing that has always made me smile was the thought of being in love and sharing my life with that person. Brained washed much? You see my “happily ever after” is probably like many girls, even boys, women, men, but it can be hidden in life’s many temporary highs, including sex, money, and friendship. At some point in my life, I had all the above. I had the sex. I had the friendship. I had the money. But at night, I was by myself looking at a ceiling and thinking, “Why do I still feel so empty?” It’s because of the phrase. I want to live “happily ever after”.

And that’s why I started crying after watching Stardust a few hours ago. The storyline is quite cute even though it was completely false. The main male character, Tristan, was chasing after a girl that in like modern times, was looking for a mate that well endowed with money. Tristan, being a shop boy, didn’t have money so in order to win her love, he made a promise to capture a fallen star, cleverly falling at the exact moment the king of Stormhold died and his sons had to find a ruby in order to be king. But the star was just a piece of a rock, but a girl named Yvaine. Tristan’s father gives him a present from his mother, who is absent, which holds a magical candle which when lit will take you to any place you think of, taking Tristan to the star where he finds the girl. So after finding “the star”, they set off on the journey to take Yvaine back to his false love promising Yvaine that she can return back to her home in the sky with the last of the magical candle. But along the way, the two face trouble with a group of witches bent on eating Yvaine’s heart for immortality and youth and the band of brothers bent on becoming king. In the end, the band of brothers die, some at their own doing because if there is only one brother left, he becomes king, and the group of witches die because of course, they’re evil and they have to. But in the killing the last witch, the love that Yvaine had for Tristan allowed her to glow so bright, that it made the witch explode, because that’s what stars do, they glow (a little phrase they caught saying throughout the movie). And come to find out that Tristan’s mother was the only daughter of the Stormhold kingdom making Tristan it’s sole heir and him being king with a star as his bride. Also he one-upping the bitch who he was originally chasing before all the killing started lol. At the end of the movie, his mother gives him and his bride one magical candle for their wedding gift and used it when their grandchildren got older and went back to the sky to live “happily ever after” together. Now you would think that at the end of the story, I would be smiling and laughing but I was crying.

At first I was confused but then like lighting, it hit me, that’s what I want. Because “happily ever after” is not about sex, money, or the amount of friends you have, but about sharing your life with someone who gets you more than you get yourself. Someone willing to be there will things are rough and still wanting to be with you. Someone you can laugh with or even die with and say “My life is worth so much more with you”. And that’s why I was crying because I do not have that. That external feeling, sometimes madly and painful thing we call love. Some many times in today’s world, the word love is sugar coated or misused to describe temporary highs or momentary satisfaction of a person or object. But that is not love. And that’s why my life is so sad. You may think I am crazy for basing so much of life on a silly phrase and concept but that is who I am. I willing and fully accept that the #1 thing to make me happy is love and a family.

Now if you could turn that into a career, I would not mind working or going to school all for the meaning and being in love.