"The best way to navigate through life is give up all of our controls."
Life has been getting pretty routine lately. And it's not just in one thing. It's a lot of things that just leaves me thinking, "Why have I already seen this coming...?" I guess in some many words, I want something to change, something that is different, exciting, keeps my attention, and overwhelming scaring so I can change. I want to be placed in a setting where there is only me, to see how I would react, in public or in private. This is why I'm so excited for the fall because it's a new school, new people, and a new environment.
The University of Baltimore is located in my favorite neighborhood, the Cultural District, just blocks away from little shops, coffee houses, museums, and my favorite library, Enoch Pratt Central Library on Cathedral Street. I don't know exactly why I am so fascinated with this area, but for some reason, it calls to me. Another exciting thing about my school is that it is partnered with MICA, Maryland Institute College of Art. Since I was in Elementary School, I wanted to go there but was detoured by practical reasons. But the opportunity for me to go there is possible through my degree program. The ability to do something practical and adventurous suits me and if I could attend both schools, I would be so happy and blessed.
Another thing that I want to do is volunteer throughout that community at organizations, art galleries, theatre houses, the zoo, and other places. It gives me a chance to pay it forward and get involved in hobbies that I love. And doing these things alone could help me come out of my "shy" shell. I need to learn how to communicate with people instead of sitting around for someone to talk to me.
But I guess ultimately, the main reason why I started thinking about these things because I feel like everyone is drifting away. I want that close knit friendships I used to have with people instead of just having small talk about another person or a key-key at the world. I miss those serious conversations and midnight talks I used to have with my friends. I miss the togetherness and acceptance, but most of the closeness. I want to be taken serious and loved by my friends but for 2 years now, it seems like I'm not being taken serious or I have to do something in order for people to listen. I guess I just want people to believe in me like I believe in them. I push people because I know what they want out of life. They tell me these things themselves. I am their biggest supporter but they often confused it with judgement or bashing. Each person I know, I see the potential and I get mad when I see it being lost, sometimes because of things they can't control or things they can, forgive me is that is being rude. I know, personally, if a person saw potential in me, I would want them to tell me, push in a direction even if it's not my passion, the thought of them caring enough to tell me is a the greatest gift you give someone.
I'm so ready to give, understand, love, and grow. Right now, I have to start alone but I hope one day, I will have a person or people to share my happiness with.
p.s. right now, that person is my mother, my rock even though we are total opposites and are at each other's throats 80% of the time, I love and appreciate her more and more each day. <3
