C.Grim.Infinite

Sometimes it's really hard to breathe when I think about the idea of explaining my emotions to people. The majority of the people that I express them to just shut down and I end up either never talking to them again or it's an awkward feeling. Since taking up counseling for the psychology part of my major, I have had to come face to face with my emotions on a weekly basis. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it feels like torture. I'm getting to know myself and my feelings but at the same rate, it's like I'm not getting anywhere with other people. My lack of emotion pushes people and also my display. Where is the happy medium? I do not really know but like I have said for so many times, if a person is willing to listen and understand the emotions I go there, then they will get to know me.

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you see so much potential in yourself and the weird feeling you get when you look at people around you, the same age, doing so much more, or even seeing people following their passions, no matter the risk, seeming to be the happiest people in earth, that gut busting feeling like you are stuck in a situation where your life really does not equal to much besides work, school, and family commitments? Trust me, I'm not as pessimistic as I may seem, but sometimes you really have to take the time to sit and think about what is going on in your life. Are you where you want to be? Have you accomplished one of your dreams? Have you done something you are proud of? To those questions, I have to answer yes because I have come a long way from high school, but then I have to say no because I'm so far from where I want to be. I have to start question what makes me happy, what I see myself as, and am I living up to those precious ideas. Honestly, no, I'm not. I want to start taking things seriously but are the things I'm trying to take serious worth it if my heart is not in it? These for example:

So I have been reading up on healthy topics and with the instruction of my doctor, I have decided to try to get in eight glasses of water today. This is going to be hard for someone who just carries one water bottle around and is usualy still full by the end of the day. But since our bodies are mostly made of water and it would benefit me in some many ways, why not try to take a simple step in the right direction. I may not be able to competely cut back on my calories and "bad" foods but I can try to add more water to my daliy intake. We'll see how this goes!

Okay, last post was fueled by anger but I realized something after I wrote it. I always sit here and complain about people aren't taking the time to get to understand me but, when I look back at it, I do the same thing. Naturally as humans, we look for the traits that we lack in other people because our family and friends are supposed to be bettering you. But I want to better myself. I do not want to be childish anymore and think that people will instantly tell me how they feel, what they want me to understand, and how I should approach them. I have to take it upon myself to sit down, ask questions, and to understand. I only do that with two people in my life, which is my mother and my best friend. It takes a lot to get information out of them, but at the end of the day, I feel closer to them than ever. I wish I could get do that with my other friends and people around me in general. I know I'm better than what I am presenting to the world, I honestly want to change for the better. Whether that be my health, my weight, my outlook, or plainly, my presence. In order for people to get me, I have to get people.

I find it funny when people describe people that they loath or cannot be around but I find it equally as hilarious when people think that a single person is supposed to have all the qualities, personalities, and interests of everything, everyone, and every possible habit in the world. I look at people wondering, if I were all of the things that you want me to be, would it be good enough? My character has become in question, even by some of my closest friends. Sheltered is one that bugs me the most. I have never really understood why that has become such a problem. My family has been through struggles, maybe not to your standards or experiences of yours, but have been through some. It is my fault that my mother wanted to take me out of the ghetto and show me a new world. Growing up, she had nothing but a farm and a 2 bedroom house for 5 people. When she left Virginia, she wanted a better way of life. Does that mean she is sheltered? I didn't go to private school or have money for the finest things in life, like I have seen some "sheltered" black kids have (the white friends, private school, living in the county, and do not know what real work is) . What I have now, I worked hard for just like the rest of America. But I am still sheltered? What do I have to be not to be sheltered? What view on life do I have to be to please you? Am I supposed to talk in slang? Am I supposed to have a story of growing up in the ghetto? Are members of my family supposed to have been in jail? Do all of my friends have to be black? Compared to the way I was back in the beginning of high school, ignorant based on my mother's beliefs of black people and thinking they are all out to get me, I think I have come a long way. I try to understand people the best way I can but I cannot if you are consistently bashing the way I was brought up or consistently saying I will never understand. I can not understand something in less you explain. I can not learn if you do not teach me. I am the type of person who learns from experience and the experiences of the people around me but if you are so hell bent in leaving me in a stereotype, which is sheltered, I will never understand or learn. It makes me angry when people think they are better than me because they have been through more or seen more. If anything, you should be out in the world helping me to understand what you have been through instead of judging me because I have not been through the same things you have. I do not sit around and get mad at people who have not been through the same struggles I have had in the past nor do I want pity for it. But yet when I bring up some struggles I have had, they are being compared to someone else's story. Each struggle is different and hurts on different levels. How can you sit there and think you are worst off in life because you have been through more. It sickens me. If anything you should be rejoicing that you made it.

We, as a black community, will never get anywhere if we continue to bash our own people. All people, even white, Indian, Asian, African, are different from the culture that they were brought up in. If every person were to stay true only to their race and only care about what is going in their race, the world would not to be in unity, (even though sometimes it's not, but it's better than nothing!). If you are sitting around expecting every black person of the African-American race to live the same, think the same, and the support the same values, you are a dumb ass. You are ignorant and you aren't going to get in anywhere in life because you are so stuck up Afro Pride's ass that you are too blind to see that there are other people in this world who are not Black! Yes, I believe there should be unity between us black people because at the end of the day, we need each other to survive and yes, the white man did keep us down in the past but you have to start pulling the black card and work hard for yourself. Of course, there still be racial tension but if you sit around trying to talk about it all day and not get anything accomplished, where are you going to go? There are successful black people in America who did it the right way, working hard and staying true to themselves and not getting caught up in the black race thinking that the white man is going to keep them down, but pushed the limits. The only people that care about us are us! But you guys are so busy bashing out other black people who have different qualities or interests than your self-righteous, egoistic, "I'm so black and proud" bias ways. Look in the mirror for once. Try picking our your own flaws. Try looking after yourself and start loving yourself because you start calling me out. There is a reason why I am different from you, because I'm not you.

I just wonder, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to be like? How do you want me to sound? How do you want me to think? How am I supposed to live my life? And how do I stop you from judging me?

"The best way to navigate through life is give up all of our controls."

Life has been getting pretty routine lately. And it's not just in one thing. It's a lot of things that just leaves me thinking, "Why have I already seen this coming...?" I guess in some many words, I want something to change, something that is different, exciting, keeps my attention, and overwhelming scaring so I can change. I want to be placed in a setting where there is only me, to see how I would react, in public or in private. This is why I'm so excited for the fall because it's a new school, new people, and a new environment.

The University of Baltimore is located in my favorite neighborhood, the Cultural District, just blocks away from little shops, coffee houses, museums, and my favorite library, Enoch Pratt Central Library on Cathedral Street. I don't know exactly why I am so fascinated with this area, but for some reason, it calls to me. Another exciting thing about my school is that it is partnered with MICA, Maryland Institute College of Art. Since I was in Elementary School, I wanted to go there but was detoured by practical reasons. But the opportunity for me to go there is possible through my degree program. The ability to do something practical and adventurous suits me and if I could attend both schools, I would be so happy and blessed.

Another thing that I want to do is volunteer throughout that community at organizations, art galleries, theatre houses, the zoo, and other places. It gives me a chance to pay it forward and get involved in hobbies that I love. And doing these things alone could help me come out of my "shy" shell. I need to learn how to communicate with people instead of sitting around for someone to talk to me.

But I guess ultimately, the main reason why I started thinking about these things because I feel like everyone is drifting away. I want that close knit friendships I used to have with people instead of just having small talk about another person or a key-key at the world. I miss those serious conversations and midnight talks I used to have with my friends. I miss the togetherness and acceptance, but most of the closeness. I want to be taken serious and loved by my friends but for 2 years now, it seems like I'm not being taken serious or I have to do something in order for people to listen. I guess I just want people to believe in me like I believe in them. I push people because I know what they want out of life. They tell me these things themselves. I am their biggest supporter but they often confused it with judgement or bashing. Each person I know, I see the potential and I get mad when I see it being lost, sometimes because of things they can't control or things they can, forgive me is that is being rude. I know, personally, if a person saw potential in me, I would want them to tell me, push in a direction even if it's not my passion, the thought of them caring enough to tell me is a the greatest gift you give someone.

I'm so ready to give, understand, love, and grow. Right now, I have to start alone but I hope one day, I will have a person or people to share my happiness with.

p.s. right now, that person is my mother, my rock even though we are total opposites and are at each other's throats 80% of the time, I love and appreciate her more and more each day. <3

(sorry for the long title)

As I take more and more little baby steps toward my independence in the world, the world, or maybe just no person, is holding me back in some shape or form. I recently purchased a car that I am very proud indeed. I love driving it, being in it, seeing it because it reminds me that I am growing up and my money isn't just going toward clothes and food. It's something that I have wanted for a long time but had no money to purchase or the the license to drive it. But now that I have accomplished this goal, I feel more independent, allowing myself to think that I have grown up. But like most things when I take a few steps forward, something is pushing me back. You already know and love her, it's my mom. She is a wonderful parent. She worked long hours and walked countless miles for me when I was growing up. Finding worthy babysitters to take care of me and got rid of people she thought would be destructive to my up being. She is determined and kind but her major flaw is her controlling nature. If something is not in her favor, she either disappears or tries to control the situation placing threats or unnecessary comments to bring you down. And of course, she is always the vitcim because she scarified so much for me to be. And her job is paying for my tuition and she is keeping a floor over my head. Yes, I am blessed and yes, I thank her everyday but does not justify the way I feel about her? Because she has done all these things, am I supposed to sit back and take a tongue lashing and threats constantly everyday. I think not. Her latest threat is to take away insurance. She is not paying insurance, I am, it just is in her name. But since it is in her name, she feels she has the liberties to change whenever she wants and however she pleases. Again, let me point out, I am paying the car note and the insurance, all she is doing is giving me her insurance card. And you want to know why she is cancelling it. Because I did not get home at 11 p.m. 11 p.m. in the summer?! 11 p.m. isn't even the curfew for people 2 years younger than who have their provisional. And here I am, about to turn 20, and have to be in the house by 11. Am I just crazy? I don't know what to think anymore besides that she is scared. Scared of losing me, scared of being alone because I am her only child. Scared that I am actually growing up and don't need her as much as I did when I was a child. But the more she keeps restricting, the more she is going to push me away to the point where there is no connection between, which I would never want.

It's time for her to let go, it's time to grow up.