C.Grim.Infinite

Holy crap...really...

The Lowest Point

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After everything we have been through. After miscommunication for three years. After the cuddles we shared. After the kisses we had. After all the plans and promises we made.


It comes to this. Disappearances. Screams. Tears. Pain. Regret. Loneliness. Disappointment. It comes to this. No apologies. No signs of remorse. No thoughtful words. Just good-byes and a plan to better yourself.
But what about me? About those promises you made? What about those three words you said? Did they mean nothing? Did I stand for nothing? Did you even care? Am I even that important to you? After everything, it comes to this.
We supposed to one, until the end. the thought of growing did not seem so bad when you were here. Now all I think about is the end. There is no happiness in my thoughts, no optimism in my steps. Just plain, uncompromising pain and disappointment.
When is your all enough? When is your love enough? When will the caring people show up?

I confess, I can be a little too much at times. I have constant mood swings that range from extremely hyper and outgoing to points where I like dark places and quite time. I can be happy one moment then burst into tears the next. So it's only fair to say that I can be too much. But the thing that gets me, and possibly you too, is the reminder that someone said that they will do something and then the next minute, they vanish. But that's not the saddest part of this story. The person doesn't even seem to realize it then you tell them and then come the excuses. "I was busy doing this, I was busy over there, or I scheduled things wrong." It's thought pattern that makes me so sick because it seems like you have to constantly be revolving around this person's life, like you don't have one of your own. One good trait that I have is the knowledge that I am not by myself in this world. Other people have problems and events they have to attend to. When you continue to let someone down, it wears on their heart to the point where they are preparing themselves for the let down. No one wants to feel like they are being taken advantage of by the fact that they will always be there. No one likes the feeling of not being able to count on someone when it counts the most, especially a significant other. It is Valentine's Day and instead of being happy and excited, I'm preparing for the disappointment. Sitting day and night wondering when his promise of changing is going to take affect and diminish this feeling of hopelessness. Love is a strong feeling but people fail to realize that doubt can break it down in so many ways.

I wish I could say what a year 2009 has been but honestly, there was nothing remotely amazing about it to me based on my life. The year started with me going back to Frostburg State University with my best friend, both of us dreading it the whole trip up the mountains. The only saving grace of Frostburg for the year 2009 was the fact that I could sleep in as much as I wanted to and enjoy free buffet, even if at times the food was crap. God, I miss those omelets in the morning with salsa and sour cream and those meatballs. But anyways, I ended the school year with a decent GPA and withdrew to be transferred to the University of Baltimore for the fall semester. My summer was the same as all summers: working hard, sleeping hard, and hardly playing in the streets, what a good girl I am. There were no summer flings or even small flames that were tested or rememberable hot nights, only those of which I spent tossing and turning because of lack of A/C in my bedroom. I did purchase my first car though, a Misturbi Mirage, black with four doors. But that was soon wrecked in a hit and run accident right before my vacation to Virginia Beach with the girls on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.
That August I entered the University of Baltimore with 15 credits to start working on and a new mind set. I joined two organizations, BSU and The UB Theatrical Society, with the hopes of joining more and becoming more involved with the student life of UB. But as I quickly realized, the organizations at the school were not paid any mind by the students, most of which were over the age of 25 and seeking to further their careers or complete college before entering a nursing home. Stress also started to weigh heavy on my heart with the pressures of school and work, a deadly combination if no proper scheduling was ever in your upbringing. This is also where I had the worst two dates of my life with a lame boy who talked too much and whose big lips surrounded my mouth like a suction cup, ew.
The main highlights of the ending of the year were the purchase of my second car, a grey 4 door Ford Escort, making it out of college alive, a small arrangement with a guy I never saw coming, and the return of my first true love. It was a nice way to end the year, happy and in love.
So it only has been two days into January and my heart is about to break. The news of my grandmother passing away and the broken promise of my long distance boyfriend not returning home has left an extremely big hole in my happiness supply. Having face a funeral without the prospect of him not coming home to cheer me up afterwards is down right sad. I can't focus on anything, my only blissful moment is when I'm falling into a dark sleep.
Because of my grandmother's death, I can see my family disappearing within in a year to only having my mother. Yes, this is very sad but it is the truth and I have been preparing myself for it since I witnessed my family becoming torn apart after my grandfather's death. But after going to the funeral and witnessing the coming together of the Grimes and Willis family, I have small hope, which is better than no hope. Maybe this time we can rekindle the love that we once had for each other instead of remembering and repeating the past. I am hopeful about my family, WTF?!
As far as my relationship, the distance is a long story. For so long I have waited to be in love and embrace a person who understands me and is willing to put up with all my imperfections but it seems like it is falling apart as quickly as it has started. I am starting to question it longevity and worthiness based on prior events and the here and now. Since we are just starting over our relationship back from a year ago, it is critical that we spend together time and not just by phone conversations. Yes its great that we are separate that we can appreciate each other from a distance but when just starting out a relationship, without physical contact and the reassurance of knowing that you can be with that person in person, it is bound to cause problems in the future. Also the matter of who scarifies more in the relationship is in question as well. Only time will tell where this will go even with my strong love toward him.
But the main point that I want to make this year is that I need to change the way I am living my life. I have isolated myself to the point where I don't even spend time with the people I call my best friends, so devoted to my sleep and my job that I am missing out on life and things that could potentially make me a happier person. It is not the people who are isolating me, it is myself by not having the confidence to stop thinking about what people may say about me and confidence to look myself in the mirror and say I am beautiful and point out the qualities that make me different and special instead of weird and dysfunctional. I want to give life all that I have in form of reaching for my dreams, saying what I feel, and doing what I want. Life is too short to give a fuck about what people want from you or how you should act. I need to measure myself according to my own standards and live my life according what makes me feel good. If I make mistakes, so be it but at least I was trying and taking a risk at failing.
This may sound like another one of my prep talks to myself to later be discarded because a failed attempt but these past two days have shown me that I have to be more in 2010, and not to impress other people but to finally impress myself.

These Emotions

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Sometimes it's really hard to breathe when I think about the idea of explaining my emotions to people. The majority of the people that I express them to just shut down and I end up either never talking to them again or it's an awkward feeling. Since taking up counseling for the psychology part of my major, I have had to come face to face with my emotions on a weekly basis. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it feels like torture. I'm getting to know myself and my feelings but at the same rate, it's like I'm not getting anywhere with other people. My lack of emotion pushes people and also my display. Where is the happy medium? I do not really know but like I have said for so many times, if a person is willing to listen and understand the emotions I go there, then they will get to know me.

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you see so much potential in yourself and the weird feeling you get when you look at people around you, the same age, doing so much more, or even seeing people following their passions, no matter the risk, seeming to be the happiest people in earth, that gut busting feeling like you are stuck in a situation where your life really does not equal to much besides work, school, and family commitments? Trust me, I'm not as pessimistic as I may seem, but sometimes you really have to take the time to sit and think about what is going on in your life. Are you where you want to be? Have you accomplished one of your dreams? Have you done something you are proud of? To those questions, I have to answer yes because I have come a long way from high school, but then I have to say no because I'm so far from where I want to be. I have to start question what makes me happy, what I see myself as, and am I living up to those precious ideas. Honestly, no, I'm not. I want to start taking things seriously but are the things I'm trying to take serious worth it if my heart is not in it? These for example:
  • College
  • Work

Both of those things are so important to my daily life, one provides the knowledge that I will need in the future to move up in the workforce and my job is the funding that pays the bills, generates a savings, and provides temporary highs. But those things are the things I hate most about my life. In America, they always want you to reach for the sky, but without those things, it seems nearly impossible. I'm not sitting here saying that an education and personal funding is bad, I'm saying if your heart isn't there, how can you honestly be happy? For so many years, I have been faking it, but at this time in my life, I don't want to anymore. I want to be serious about the things that I get enjoyment out of. These for example:

  • Art
  • Novels
  • Screenwriting
  • Music
  • Dancing
  • Fashion design
  • Production
  • Generally, entrepreneurship

If I were to get serious about those things, I would have something on the side lines from typical life to look to doing, but without those, I honestly think life is not worth living. But along with those things, confidence is also needed, I guess that's where my weight loss issue comes into play. "She's cute for a fat girl" just keeps playing in my mind over and over, why can't I just be cute?! Why can't I stop telling myself that I'm fat either? UGH. I need to self evaluate for the hundredth time. Maybe one day, things will be clear. Wish me luck. XOXO

So I have been reading up on healthy topics and with the instruction of my doctor, I have decided to try to get in eight glasses of water today. This is going to be hard for someone who just carries one water bottle around and is usualy still full by the end of the day. But since our bodies are mostly made of water and it would benefit me in some many ways, why not try to take a simple step in the right direction. I may not be able to competely cut back on my calories and "bad" foods but I can try to add more water to my daliy intake. We'll see how this goes!

Realization

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Okay, last post was fueled by anger but I realized something after I wrote it. I always sit here and complain about people aren't taking the time to get to understand me but, when I look back at it, I do the same thing. Naturally as humans, we look for the traits that we lack in other people because our family and friends are supposed to be bettering you. But I want to better myself. I do not want to be childish anymore and think that people will instantly tell me how they feel, what they want me to understand, and how I should approach them. I have to take it upon myself to sit down, ask questions, and to understand. I only do that with two people in my life, which is my mother and my best friend. It takes a lot to get information out of them, but at the end of the day, I feel closer to them than ever. I wish I could get do that with my other friends and people around me in general. I know I'm better than what I am presenting to the world, I honestly want to change for the better. Whether that be my health, my weight, my outlook, or plainly, my presence. In order for people to get me, I have to get people.

Sheltered...

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I find it funny when people describe people that they loath or cannot be around but I find it equally as hilarious when people think that a single person is supposed to have all the qualities, personalities, and interests of everything, everyone, and every possible habit in the world. I look at people wondering, if I were all of the things that you want me to be, would it be good enough? My character has become in question, even by some of my closest friends. Sheltered is one that bugs me the most. I have never really understood why that has become such a problem. My family has been through struggles, maybe not to your standards or experiences of yours, but have been through some. It is my fault that my mother wanted to take me out of the ghetto and show me a new world. Growing up, she had nothing but a farm and a 2 bedroom house for 5 people. When she left Virginia, she wanted a better way of life. Does that mean she is sheltered? I didn't go to private school or have money for the finest things in life, like I have seen some "sheltered" black kids have (the white friends, private school, living in the county, and do not know what real work is) . What I have now, I worked hard for just like the rest of America. But I am still sheltered? What do I have to be not to be sheltered? What view on life do I have to be to please you? Am I supposed to talk in slang? Am I supposed to have a story of growing up in the ghetto? Are members of my family supposed to have been in jail? Do all of my friends have to be black? Compared to the way I was back in the beginning of high school, ignorant based on my mother's beliefs of black people and thinking they are all out to get me, I think I have come a long way. I try to understand people the best way I can but I cannot if you are consistently bashing the way I was brought up or consistently saying I will never understand. I can not understand something in less you explain. I can not learn if you do not teach me. I am the type of person who learns from experience and the experiences of the people around me but if you are so hell bent in leaving me in a stereotype, which is sheltered, I will never understand or learn. It makes me angry when people think they are better than me because they have been through more or seen more. If anything, you should be out in the world helping me to understand what you have been through instead of judging me because I have not been through the same things you have. I do not sit around and get mad at people who have not been through the same struggles I have had in the past nor do I want pity for it. But yet when I bring up some struggles I have had, they are being compared to someone else's story. Each struggle is different and hurts on different levels. How can you sit there and think you are worst off in life because you have been through more. It sickens me. If anything you should be rejoicing that you made it.
We, as a black community, will never get anywhere if we continue to bash our own people. All people, even white, Indian, Asian, African, are different from the culture that they were brought up in. If every person were to stay true only to their race and only care about what is going in their race, the world would not to be in unity, (even though sometimes it's not, but it's better than nothing!). If you are sitting around expecting every black person of the African-American race to live the same, think the same, and the support the same values, you are a dumb ass. You are ignorant and you aren't going to get in anywhere in life because you are so stuck up Afro Pride's ass that you are too blind to see that there are other people in this world who are not Black! Yes, I believe there should be unity between us black people because at the end of the day, we need each other to survive and yes, the white man did keep us down in the past but you have to start pulling the black card and work hard for yourself. Of course, there still be racial tension but if you sit around trying to talk about it all day and not get anything accomplished, where are you going to go? There are successful black people in America who did it the right way, working hard and staying true to themselves and not getting caught up in the black race thinking that the white man is going to keep them down, but pushed the limits. The only people that care about us are us! But you guys are so busy bashing out other black people who have different qualities or interests than your self-righteous, egoistic, "I'm so black and proud" bias ways. Look in the mirror for once. Try picking our your own flaws. Try looking after yourself and start loving yourself because you start calling me out. There is a reason why I am different from you, because I'm not you.
I just wonder, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to be like? How do you want me to sound? How do you want me to think? How am I supposed to live my life? And how do I stop you from judging me?

Hm..yea..

The daily mind farts of Crista Ramone from random articles on the web to everyday episodes of torment in Baltimore City. This is life uncensored, uncaring (maybe just a little bit), and unapologetic. You ready?



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