C.Grim.Infinite

I wish I could say what a year 2009 has been but honestly, there was nothing remotely amazing about it to me based on my life. The year started with me going back to Frostburg State University with my best friend, both of us dreading it the whole trip up the mountains. The only saving grace of Frostburg for the year 2009 was the fact that I could sleep in as much as I wanted to and enjoy free buffet, even if at times the food was crap. God, I miss those omelets in the morning with salsa and sour cream and those meatballs. But anyways, I ended the school year with a decent GPA and withdrew to be transferred to the University of Baltimore for the fall semester. My summer was the same as all summers: working hard, sleeping hard, and hardly playing in the streets, what a good girl I am. There were no summer flings or even small flames that were tested or rememberable hot nights, only those of which I spent tossing and turning because of lack of A/C in my bedroom. I did purchase my first car though, a Misturbi Mirage, black with four doors. But that was soon wrecked in a hit and run accident right before my vacation to Virginia Beach with the girls on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

That August I entered the University of Baltimore with 15 credits to start working on and a new mind set. I joined two organizations, BSU and The UB Theatrical Society, with the hopes of joining more and becoming more involved with the student life of UB. But as I quickly realized, the organizations at the school were not paid any mind by the students, most of which were over the age of 25 and seeking to further their careers or complete college before entering a nursing home. Stress also started to weigh heavy on my heart with the pressures of school and work, a deadly combination if no proper scheduling was ever in your upbringing. This is also where I had the worst two dates of my life with a lame boy who talked too much and whose big lips surrounded my mouth like a suction cup, ew.

The main highlights of the ending of the year were the purchase of my second car, a grey 4 door Ford Escort, making it out of college alive, a small arrangement with a guy I never saw coming, and the return of my first true love. It was a nice way to end the year, happy and in love.

So it only has been two days into January and my heart is about to break. The news of my grandmother passing away and the broken promise of my long distance boyfriend not returning home has left an extremely big hole in my happiness supply. Having face a funeral without the prospect of him not coming home to cheer me up afterwards is down right sad. I can't focus on anything, my only blissful moment is when I'm falling into a dark sleep.

Because of my grandmother's death, I can see my family disappearing within in a year to only having my mother. Yes, this is very sad but it is the truth and I have been preparing myself for it since I witnessed my family becoming torn apart after my grandfather's death. But after going to the funeral and witnessing the coming together of the Grimes and Willis family, I have small hope, which is better than no hope. Maybe this time we can rekindle the love that we once had for each other instead of remembering and repeating the past. I am hopeful about my family, WTF?!

As far as my relationship, the distance is a long story. For so long I have waited to be in love and embrace a person who understands me and is willing to put up with all my imperfections but it seems like it is falling apart as quickly as it has started. I am starting to question it longevity and worthiness based on prior events and the here and now. Since we are just starting over our relationship back from a year ago, it is critical that we spend together time and not just by phone conversations. Yes its great that we are separate that we can appreciate each other from a distance but when just starting out a relationship, without physical contact and the reassurance of knowing that you can be with that person in person, it is bound to cause problems in the future. Also the matter of who scarifies more in the relationship is in question as well. Only time will tell where this will go even with my strong love toward him.

But the main point that I want to make this year is that I need to change the way I am living my life. I have isolated myself to the point where I don't even spend time with the people I call my best friends, so devoted to my sleep and my job that I am missing out on life and things that could potentially make me a happier person. It is not the people who are isolating me, it is myself by not having the confidence to stop thinking about what people may say about me and confidence to look myself in the mirror and say I am beautiful and point out the qualities that make me different and special instead of weird and dysfunctional. I want to give life all that I have in form of reaching for my dreams, saying what I feel, and doing what I want. Life is too short to give a fuck about what people want from you or how you should act. I need to measure myself according to my own standards and live my life according what makes me feel good. If I make mistakes, so be it but at least I was trying and taking a risk at failing.

This may sound like another one of my prep talks to myself to later be discarded because a failed attempt but these past two days have shown me that I have to be more in 2010, and not to impress other people but to finally impress myself.