I'm sure, if you a true follower of my blog, that you are sick and tired of reading my rants about my mother and honestly, I'm sick and tired of having these conversations with you, but in my recent realization, there is a life lesson to learned from these trying times in your life. When is the right time to let your children go and conquer the world without them feeling guilty after every chased dream?
Whether it's a boyfriend, friends, distance, or a job, my life has become a never ending battle with my Mommy-dearest. When I left for Frostburg three years ago, I thought to myself, this is the beginning of letting go and growing up. Although it was hard, it was time and I really thought she was finally taking off the apron and I was letting go of the strings. We both realized I was becoming an adult and started to become friends, like a mother and daughter should. Oh wrong was I. Not only about my choice in schooling, but our relationship.
As a friend pointed out, since I have moved back home (it's been a year so far), our relationship has regressed back to Mommy loving and protecting daughter instead Mother and daughter talking about grown up stuff. And quite frankly, I'm ready to cut the strings again, but she isn't so ready to release the apron.
With my recent research on the lives of 20-somethings in America and my own personal situation, I do not think we are fully to blame when it comes to slowly progressing into an adult. Some parents simply can not let go and therefore 20-somethings are stuck or even using this to their advance. Why leave home when your parents are paying the bills, cleaning the house, and providing food with no added expense to you. Yes this is tempting but come on, am I the only one who wants their own?
Sure, we are currently living in a bad economy with uncertainty about jobs and the overall future, but there is something more to life rather than being sheltered by your parents and I have seen the light just by having a car. Coming home when you want, having your own guests, and the feeling of owning something that you don't have to share or compromise on. That's true freedom.
But with every step I take, I feel like I'm hurting either myself or my mother. Nothing is ever good enough for either of us. We both want distance but are uncompromising on where the line should be drawn. I wish I could say I can wake up and do anything I want, when I want, but I constantly have to think "Where is my mother going to be during all of this?" I can't move because we only have each other. I can't have an active lifestyle because she sits around and complains about it. I can't have a boyfriend because I feel guilty leaving her home alone.
How can you grow up when you are attached at the hip with the person who birthed you? You can't throw them away like a boyfriend, a friend, or even a school. How can you compromise with someone who expects the world from you when you don't even know the world for yourself? Someone who doesn't really want you to know the world at all besides for the one created in a rowhouse in Baltimore City.
It's never ending battle and to tell you the truth, it's driving me under.
