(sorry for the long title)
As I take more and more little baby steps toward my independence in the world, the world, or maybe just no person, is holding me back in some shape or form. I recently purchased a car that I am very proud indeed. I love driving it, being in it, seeing it because it reminds me that I am growing up and my money isn't just going toward clothes and food. It's something that I have wanted for a long time but had no money to purchase or the the license to drive it. But now that I have accomplished this goal, I feel more independent, allowing myself to think that I have grown up. But like most things when I take a few steps forward, something is pushing me back. You already know and love her, it's my mom. She is a wonderful parent. She worked long hours and walked countless miles for me when I was growing up. Finding worthy babysitters to take care of me and got rid of people she thought would be destructive to my up being. She is determined and kind but her major flaw is her controlling nature. If something is not in her favor, she either disappears or tries to control the situation placing threats or unnecessary comments to bring you down. And of course, she is always the vitcim because she scarified so much for me to be. And her job is paying for my tuition and she is keeping a floor over my head. Yes, I am blessed and yes, I thank her everyday but does not justify the way I feel about her? Because she has done all these things, am I supposed to sit back and take a tongue lashing and threats constantly everyday. I think not. Her latest threat is to take away insurance. She is not paying insurance, I am, it just is in her name. But since it is in her name, she feels she has the liberties to change whenever she wants and however she pleases. Again, let me point out, I am paying the car note and the insurance, all she is doing is giving me her insurance card. And you want to know why she is cancelling it. Because I did not get home at 11 p.m. 11 p.m. in the summer?! 11 p.m. isn't even the curfew for people 2 years younger than who have their provisional. And here I am, about to turn 20, and have to be in the house by 11. Am I just crazy? I don't know what to think anymore besides that she is scared. Scared of losing me, scared of being alone because I am her only child. Scared that I am actually growing up and don't need her as much as I did when I was a child. But the more she keeps restricting, the more she is going to push me away to the point where there is no connection between, which I would never want.
It's time for her to let go, it's time to grow up.
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